December 2015 left me feeling at one of the low points in my life. Over the previous three months I had gone from feeling like the Energizer Bunny to feeling like I had cold tar running through my veins. Even doing things as simple as buying groceries or making dinner became Herculean tasks. I secretly worried that at this rate I would end up in a long-term healthcare facility. In addition, my heart felt literally broken because of decisions family members were making, despite my very deliberate and intentional teaching of the Gospel of Jesus Christ. Financial burdens from a severely struggling business were overwhelming. Stress that accompanies mothering children with mental and emotional challenges seemed more than I could bear. Work responsibilities continued to increase, which only added to the heavy weight. And I wasn't sleeping. Studying my scriptures daily and attending the temple weekly didn't seem to be enough, although they did bring peace and help me keep my head above water. I wondered if I was doing something very wrong. After studying the General Conference talk "What Lack I Yet?" by Elder Larry R. Lawrence, I decided to put God to the test. I will never forget pondering that question during the Sacrament when my answer came. "Just be happy!" What? I can't do that! There is too much sorrow in my life. That seems impossible. Tell me something else. The message was repeated again in the temple, through a priesthood blessing, and in the scriptures. Alma 27:18 spoke as an answer to my soul. "Now was not this exceeding joy? Behold, this is joy which none receiveth save it be the truly penitent and humble seeker of happiness." It taught me that I needed to repent of my unhappy mindset, and seek for the joy that was already around me. It all still seemed impossible. But I acknowledged that I could be happy about Jesus. Through my study of the Atonement over the previous four years, I knew His Atonement offered me the power to change, to be healed, to be cleansed, to be strengthened, to have my capacity increased, to be sealed, to be sanctified, and to be resurrected. Thinking about Him is one thing that brings me joy. When I would lay awake for hours during the night, not able to sleep, I began to choose one of the stories from Jesus' life and make myself an innocent bystander to witness His miracles. I needed miracles in my life, and needed to learn from Him. I soon found that focusing on the Prince of Peace brought me enough peace to go back to sleep. That was the first step. The Spirit taught me that if I was to be a humble seeker of happiness, I needed to recognize things around me that make me happy. So I began to journal at least three things each day that brought me happiness. At first it started out with simple things like a blue sky, warm weather, or seeing a smiling friend in the grocery store. My happiness journal began to transform my life. I realized that there always was joy around me, but it had been over-shadowed by negative thoughts. A conscious choice to look for what was right in the world helped me see God's tender mercies and notice things as small as the song of a bird, the positive actions of one of my children, or the impact of a special verse of scripture. I also found that the power of good music immediately helped me feel joy! Especially sacred music about the Savior. President Russell M. Nelson in his recent general conference talk on joy said, "When the focus of our lives is on Jesus Christ and His gospel, we can feel joy regardless of what is happening--or not happening--in our lives." Over time I learned that not only could I recognize happiness, but I could create joy for myself and others by serving and through human connection. So knowing of the Lord's tender feelings about widows, I started there, and learned that they have much more to offer me than I have to offer them. The same is true for other women and children who are suffering. Sometimes a phone call or text to someone would be all it took to change my unhappiness to joy. As a former coupon queen, the meaning of the word redemption has great meaning to me. On the bottom of a coupon, in a very small font is written something like, "the actual value of this coupon is 1/23 of a cent." But the coupon is able to be redeemed for something of much greater value, like 25 cents, $1, or even several dollars. Likewise, Jesus Christ takes me, whose value is much less than His, and increases my value many times over when redeemed by His Atonement. He can make something much better out of me than I can by myself. December 2016, sitting in the temple, left me feeling at one of the high points in my life. I was able to recognize the healing power or the Atonement in so many areas. My body had been healed because I was given the strength to make very drastic changes in my life. My relationships were healed because I learned to love, regardless of others' choices. My capacity was truly increased, especially the capacity to serve others. Some of the mental and emotional struggles within my family were improved after years and years of fasting and prayer. And feeling joy daily made my soul soar! I marvel at the miraculous changes over the past 12 months. Not changes in many of my circumstances or changes others would recognize, but changes inside of me. Changes made possible because of the indescribable suffering of the perfect Son of God. Perhaps a phrase from a well known Christmas hymn puts it best. "Light and life to all He brings, Ris'n with healing in His wings." (Hark! The Herald Angels Sing, LDS Hymn 209) Find joy in the journey! ❤ Heidi |
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