At the ripe old age of 21 my life was going completely according to the plan I had laid out for myself while in Young Women. Graduate from high school… check. Obtain an athletic scholarship and play basketball at the college level… check. Meet my eternal companion and be sealed in the temple… check. Start a family……. This particular item would go unchecked for the next 12 years.
Countless doctor visits. Lots of testing. Several failed treatments. An aggressive amount of weight gain. They all started to add up and my hurt, anger and bitterness at how unfair my life had suddenly become consumed me. I didn’t want to talk to anyone about why I couldn’t have children. I didn’t want to be happy for all the family members who were announcing they were expecting. The pain at hearing their joyous news wasn’t something I could deal with. This was my life for years. I couldn’t work through it to see any hope. After almost six years of this pain and bitterness, a dear friend came into my life through visiting teaching. I didn’t know it at the time, but she would go on to become my best friend. Her diligent and gentle loving visits reminded me that there was hope through the pain, that I did know where to turn to have my heart healed and to find the blessings and miracles happening all around me. The Savior’s Atonement could heal my hurt. It could carry me through this burden that felt all too heavy for me to bare. Slowly, my heart started to heal as I relied on the Savior. My husband and I were able to find joy in our journey again. We were able to recognize and see all the amazing and beautiful things we were being blessed with daily. As we were able to be more in tune and were living more worthily to receive the blessings waiting for us, I remembered a promise given to me in my patriarchal blessing. I was promised that I would have children. Remembering this promise, I held onto the hope that there would come a day, in this life or the next, that I would indeed be able to be given the title of mother. I clung to that knowledge like my life depended on it. In the winter of 2014 I felt extremely prompted that it was time to get my body healthy and find a way to start our family. Not knowing how to accomplish this, I relied heavily upon the Lord to guide my path. With His guidance and the knowledge that He would carry me through whatever it was that I needed to do, I embarked on a life-changing journey. For the next 11 months I followed a strict eating plan. My body constantly got healthier and healthier. I was able to lose the 160 pounds I had gained over the years due to my health condition. This, to me, was the first of many miracles to come. We had a plan. Once I was healthy, we were going in to see a specialist and pay for whatever treatments we needed in order to have a child. The Monday before Thanksgiving of 2015 I felt prompted to take a pregnancy test. Having taken hundreds of them, to only have the results be a devastating negative, I wasn’t thrilled to take yet another one. But, I listened and took it. As I waited for the results I pondered all that I had been through during that year, and the many years previous. I had come so far. I was extremely happy with my life. I felt and knew that the Savior loved me...that I was a daughter of God. I was important and I was loved. And although my life hadn’t worked out exactly how I had planned, it was an extremely beautiful life I had been given. I glanced down at the test, expecting to have the pit of disappointment hit me as it had so many times before. But instead, a second miracle had been given to me. I was pregnant! I don’t know that I have every cried so hard and prayed with such gratitude as I did in that moment. Twelve years. Twelve years of pain and hurt and growing and learning and the trials and burdens we had been dealt. And it was all completely and totally worth it for that moment...the moment when I was given the title of mother.
As the weeks went on, we excitedly announced at Christmas, to all our family and friends, that we believed in miracles and that we had been blessed with a little one on the way. Our hearts were more full and happy then I ever remember them being. The pure joy that was felt in our home was something that I will never forget. As we approached week 14, we made an appointment to find out what the gender was of our little one. We planned a large party to reveal to family and friends what we were having. On my birthday, we went in to our appointment and were told that we were expecting a little girl. Names had already been picked. The moment it was confirmed, we knew that her name was Charlotte Joelle. We excitedly anticipated the coming weekend when we would be having our get together to reveal to friends and family what we were having.
But a trial was about to be placed before us that neither my husband or I expected. As the weekend came, my body started bleeding. The party was canceled with reassurances that I was ok, just needing some rest and to take it easy. Sunday, February 7 the bleeding became significantly worse. I was told to get to the ER as quickly as possible. As my husband and I drove the 20 minutes to the hospital, I tried my best to keep the scary thoughts away. I wanted to stay positive and not think about the worst. This was our miracle. Surely Heavenly Father wouldn’t take her away after making us wait so long and endure so much to get her here. I voiced my thoughts to my husband in the form of a simple statement – “I don’t want to lose her.” My sweet husband, whom I assumed would jump on my bandwagon of thoughts, instead humbled me and reminded me what was really important. He told me “It’s not up to us.” Such a simple statement, but it had such a profound impact on me. It completely changed the way I viewed what was happening. Yes, I knew that the Lord knew my heart and my wants. He knew that this little one was so, so precious to me and my husband. But he also knew so much more. He had a plan, and that plan was not for me to decide. The next few hours proved to be some of the most trying of our lives. Although we both prayed that she might be able to stay, our sweet Charlotte Joelle was born in the early hours of February 8, 2016 at just 15 weeks. We were given the opportunity to hold her tiny, tiny body and say our goodbyes. Our hearts were broken. The pain I was feeling was not something I felt I could endure, and yet, I immediately felt the Savior there, comforting us, mourning with us and reminding us that we were so, so loved. The healing power of the Atonement is all that got me through the next few weeks as my husband and I tried to return to everyday life. My grief would feel all consuming, and then I would feel the peace, comfort, love and knowledge that I was not alone. That this would take time, but that there was a purpose and a plan. That as hard as this was, this was not the end. That our sweet little girl was not meant to stay here long, and that she knew how loved she is. My faith in Heavenly Father and in the Savior grew more than I ever thought it could in the weeks and months following the loss of our daughter. How could it not? Heavenly Father had kept His promise to me. I did have a child. Whether I was able to raise her here or not, I had a daughter and she was sealed to me forever. Such a sweet and tender mercy to go along with this huge trial. As the months went on, my husband and I didn’t know if we would be given another opportunity to get pregnant again. The first time had been miraculous enough, that we weren’t sure we would be granted another. I constantly prayed to have my heart heal and to be able to cling to and find hope in the knowledge that Heavenly Father had a plan for us. My constant answer during those extremely hard months was the scripture found in the Psalms 46:10. “Be still, and know that I am God”. Those words gave me such comfort and peace. Comfort that even though I didn’t have the answers about what my life would hold in the future, but that God did. I didn’t need to worry, He had a plan. I just needed to have faith in Him and His plan for me. I just needed to rely on the Savior and the gift he has given me to allow me to heal and grow and re-discover the hope that I had before losing my daughter. Miracles do happen, of that I have such a testimony. I have been given too many to ever say differently. I was given the miracle of having my heart healed when I was so bitter and angry. I was given the miracle of being able to get my body healthy. I was given the miracle of getting pregnant with a daughter after being unable to for twelve years. I was given the miracle of having my heart healed yet again after losing her. And, yet another miracle has been given to me as we are currently expecting a son in early March of 2017.
What incredible things I’ve been given the opportunity to see and witness because of the trials and tribulations I have been blessed to endure. What an incredible gift that I have been able to have the Savior’s Atonement become something so real for me in helping me to heal and grow and find peace. Without the events of the last thirteen years I don’t know that I would have ever quite understood just how real and beautiful a gift the Atonement is. What an amazing and selfless thing our Savior did for us. There is always, always hope. There are always miracles and blessing waiting. And our Heavenly Father’s timing is always perfect. Trust in Him and His promises. You are so, so loved.
- Dawnielle |
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