When my daughter Brooklyn was two weeks old, I was still really struggling. She had just started this thing where she would cry and cry and cry every time she got tired. I had to hold her constantly or she would scream. Sometimes even when I held her she would fall asleep for a few minutes then wake up and scream. It was a terrible cycle and it lasted all. day. long.
One day, I had an emotional breakdown from all the screaming. My sister was in town and I was at my mom's visiting when I lost it, crying almost hysterically. They kicked me out of the house and kept my kids...said I needed a break. Man were they right. I went home and slept. While I was sleeping, I got a text from our newly called bishop. He wanted to swing by that night and talk to me and Jamin. I knew what it was about. I hadn't had a calling since the stake split and I was released from my Stake Young Women's calling, nearly two months prior. Bishop came over while I was trying to make myself presentable. I'm horribly sleep deprived and had been crying on and off all day. He asked me to serve as the Young Women's President. Two emotions were battling inside me. Joy...because I LOVE the Young Women's program and that was where I wanted to be. The second, complete and utter horror at the thought of running the Young Women's program with a screaming two week old while I was so obviously struggling with a serious case of baby blues. Of course I said yes. What happened next was one of the absolute coolest and most spiritual things that has ever happened to me. After Bishop left and I was alone in my room, I knelt in prayer for the first time in a while. I sobbed, a lot. I expressed my sincere gratitude and humility at receiving this calling. And I pleaded. I pleaded, through more sobbing, that Heavenly Father would help me through this. That if He wouldn't transform my crying baby into a perfect angel, then He would at least give me the power to cope with it all. I specifically asked that the horrible "baby blues" I was feeling would go away. Those feelings of depression were crippling. Heavenly Father answered my prayer immediately. While I was praying, right after I made my request, there was a bright light. I had my eyes closed but it seemed like someone had turned on a super bright light in the room where I was praying. It was so sudden and bright that I flinched and stopped praying. I just sat there, keeping my eyes closed. It wasn't just that it was bright, but it also made me feel warm inside. As I sat there marveling over the light my body was sensing even though my brain knew there was no actual light in the room (I knew if I opened my eyes, my room would still be dark), I noticed a change. I felt my anxiety and depression melting away. It was a gradual change, not all at once. So I sat there. Not moving. Not talking. Not opening my eyes for fear that the light would go away. I remember I kept thinking to myself, "This is amazing!" I probably sat there for at least five minutes, just basking in the warmth I felt from the light. I finally ended my prayer. From that moment on, I felt great. Completely normal. No more hormone inducing sadness. I never had that problem again. I am convinced that Heavenly Father had the Holy Ghost take away my pain so I could handle the challenges of my new calling with a clear head and calm emotions. It was an amazing experience. One I hope I never forget. If that is even a fraction of what it feels like to be in the Savior's presence and feel of His light, then I can't wait to go to Heaven. I'm so grateful for the healing power of the Atonement. For the enabling power of the Atonement, that once we have done all that we can, the Savior will step in and help us achieve the unachievable. - April |
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