December 2015 left me feeling at one of the low points in my life. Over the previous three months I had gone from feeling like the Energizer Bunny to feeling like I had cold tar running through my veins. Even doing things as simple as buying groceries or making dinner became Herculean tasks. I secretly worried that at this rate I would end up in a long-term healthcare facility. In addition, my heart felt literally broken because of decisions family members were making, despite my very deliberate and intentional teaching of the Gospel of Jesus Christ. Financial burdens from a severely struggling business were overwhelming. Stress that accompanies mothering children with mental and emotional challenges seemed more than I could bear. Work responsibilities continued to increase, which only added to the heavy weight. And I wasn't sleeping. Studying my scriptures daily and attending the temple weekly didn't seem to be enough, although they did bring peace and help me keep my head above water. I wondered if I was doing something very wrong. After studying the General Conference talk "What Lack I Yet?" by Elder Larry R. Lawrence, I decided to put God to the test. I will never forget pondering that question during the Sacrament when my answer came. "Just be happy!" What? I can't do that! There is too much sorrow in my life. That seems impossible. Tell me something else. The message was repeated again in the temple, through a priesthood blessing, and in the scriptures. Alma 27:18 spoke as an answer to my soul. "Now was not this exceeding joy? Behold, this is joy which none receiveth save it be the truly penitent and humble seeker of happiness." It taught me that I needed to repent of my unhappy mindset, and seek for the joy that was already around me. It all still seemed impossible. But I acknowledged that I could be happy about Jesus. Through my study of the Atonement over the previous four years, I knew His Atonement offered me the power to change, to be healed, to be cleansed, to be strengthened, to have my capacity increased, to be sealed, to be sanctified, and to be resurrected. Thinking about Him is one thing that brings me joy. When I would lay awake for hours during the night, not able to sleep, I began to choose one of the stories from Jesus' life and make myself an innocent bystander to witness His miracles. I needed miracles in my life, and needed to learn from Him. I soon found that focusing on the Prince of Peace brought me enough peace to go back to sleep. That was the first step. The Spirit taught me that if I was to be a humble seeker of happiness, I needed to recognize things around me that make me happy. So I began to journal at least three things each day that brought me happiness. At first it started out with simple things like a blue sky, warm weather, or seeing a smiling friend in the grocery store. My happiness journal began to transform my life. I realized that there always was joy around me, but it had been over-shadowed by negative thoughts. A conscious choice to look for what was right in the world helped me see God's tender mercies and notice things as small as the song of a bird, the positive actions of one of my children, or the impact of a special verse of scripture. I also found that the power of good music immediately helped me feel joy! Especially sacred music about the Savior. President Russell M. Nelson in his recent general conference talk on joy said, "When the focus of our lives is on Jesus Christ and His gospel, we can feel joy regardless of what is happening--or not happening--in our lives." Over time I learned that not only could I recognize happiness, but I could create joy for myself and others by serving and through human connection. So knowing of the Lord's tender feelings about widows, I started there, and learned that they have much more to offer me than I have to offer them. The same is true for other women and children who are suffering. Sometimes a phone call or text to someone would be all it took to change my unhappiness to joy. As a former coupon queen, the meaning of the word redemption has great meaning to me. On the bottom of a coupon, in a very small font is written something like, "the actual value of this coupon is 1/23 of a cent." But the coupon is able to be redeemed for something of much greater value, like 25 cents, $1, or even several dollars. Likewise, Jesus Christ takes me, whose value is much less than His, and increases my value many times over when redeemed by His Atonement. He can make something much better out of me than I can by myself. December 2016, sitting in the temple, left me feeling at one of the high points in my life. I was able to recognize the healing power or the Atonement in so many areas. My body had been healed because I was given the strength to make very drastic changes in my life. My relationships were healed because I learned to love, regardless of others' choices. My capacity was truly increased, especially the capacity to serve others. Some of the mental and emotional struggles within my family were improved after years and years of fasting and prayer. And feeling joy daily made my soul soar! I marvel at the miraculous changes over the past 12 months. Not changes in many of my circumstances or changes others would recognize, but changes inside of me. Changes made possible because of the indescribable suffering of the perfect Son of God. Perhaps a phrase from a well known Christmas hymn puts it best. "Light and life to all He brings, Ris'n with healing in His wings." (Hark! The Herald Angels Sing, LDS Hymn 209) Find joy in the journey! ❤ Heidi Please join us for our Shawnee Trail Stake Relief Society Women's Conference!
It will take place on February 18th, from 10 a.m. to 2 p.m. at the Crossroads Building (8801 Martop Road, Aubrey). There will be a musical devotional and classes. Lunch will also be served! We are so excited to spend this time together bonding as a stake sisterhood and coming closer to the Savior. Hope to see you there! 💙💜💙💜
When my daughter Brooklyn was two weeks old, I was still really struggling. She had just started this thing where she would cry and cry and cry every time she got tired. I had to hold her constantly or she would scream. Sometimes even when I held her she would fall asleep for a few minutes then wake up and scream. It was a terrible cycle and it lasted all. day. long.
One day, I had an emotional breakdown from all the screaming. My sister was in town and I was at my mom's visiting when I lost it, crying almost hysterically. They kicked me out of the house and kept my kids...said I needed a break. Man were they right. I went home and slept. While I was sleeping, I got a text from our newly called bishop. He wanted to swing by that night and talk to me and Jamin. I knew what it was about. I hadn't had a calling since the stake split and I was released from my Stake Young Women's calling, nearly two months prior. Bishop came over while I was trying to make myself presentable. I'm horribly sleep deprived and had been crying on and off all day. He asked me to serve as the Young Women's President. Two emotions were battling inside me. Joy...because I LOVE the Young Women's program and that was where I wanted to be. The second, complete and utter horror at the thought of running the Young Women's program with a screaming two week old while I was so obviously struggling with a serious case of baby blues. Of course I said yes. What happened next was one of the absolute coolest and most spiritual things that has ever happened to me. After Bishop left and I was alone in my room, I knelt in prayer for the first time in a while. I sobbed, a lot. I expressed my sincere gratitude and humility at receiving this calling. And I pleaded. I pleaded, through more sobbing, that Heavenly Father would help me through this. That if He wouldn't transform my crying baby into a perfect angel, then He would at least give me the power to cope with it all. I specifically asked that the horrible "baby blues" I was feeling would go away. Those feelings of depression were crippling. Heavenly Father answered my prayer immediately. While I was praying, right after I made my request, there was a bright light. I had my eyes closed but it seemed like someone had turned on a super bright light in the room where I was praying. It was so sudden and bright that I flinched and stopped praying. I just sat there, keeping my eyes closed. It wasn't just that it was bright, but it also made me feel warm inside. As I sat there marveling over the light my body was sensing even though my brain knew there was no actual light in the room (I knew if I opened my eyes, my room would still be dark), I noticed a change. I felt my anxiety and depression melting away. It was a gradual change, not all at once. So I sat there. Not moving. Not talking. Not opening my eyes for fear that the light would go away. I remember I kept thinking to myself, "This is amazing!" I probably sat there for at least five minutes, just basking in the warmth I felt from the light. I finally ended my prayer. From that moment on, I felt great. Completely normal. No more hormone inducing sadness. I never had that problem again. I am convinced that Heavenly Father had the Holy Ghost take away my pain so I could handle the challenges of my new calling with a clear head and calm emotions. It was an amazing experience. One I hope I never forget. If that is even a fraction of what it feels like to be in the Savior's presence and feel of His light, then I can't wait to go to Heaven. I'm so grateful for the healing power of the Atonement. For the enabling power of the Atonement, that once we have done all that we can, the Savior will step in and help us achieve the unachievable. - April
Before my cancer treatments started at age 51, I saw trials as setbacks, like when you’re in a race and stumble. You need to quickly recover, hurry and get back up, brush yourself off and get on with the race. Motivational speakers often use this language and it inspired me. I would look at trials as obstacles to my ultimate righteous goal of an accomplished, fulfilled life, coordinated corner to corner, with just enough highlights keeping it balanced and beautiful. The sooner I got there the better.
I had an active, healthy lifestyle, so was very surprised to find out I had lymphoma, a blood cancer. My doctor felt I would most likely need to have a very aggressive chemo regiment given through my head. Those thoughts scared me. My husband and I were still raising our four children and I wanted to stick around earth much longer and keep all my faculties with me too. We prayed. I remember my perspective on my material possessions changed immediately. I no longer looked at all the defects in my house, wanting a more beautiful one. I loved the memories I had in the one I was in and it was beautiful to me. I remember even saying it out loud as I came down the stairs that afternoon, “I love this house.” I was able to quickly receive more input from experts and ended up needing a very aggressive chemo treatment and stem cell transplant, but luckily not through my head where the risk is much, much greater. Needless to say, my life routine was changed. I became very familiar with hospital protocol, and adverse effects from toxicity, and a variety of life changes that go along with fighting cancer. During this three-year process, my scripture reading and personal prayers were more important to me. Priesthood blessings and fasting brought peace. I drew closer to my Savior and my love grew for Him. I had so many gifts of love and light that kept me in a happy state, even through the physical and mental hardships that go along with this treatment. I felt the Lord giving me experiences that I needed to help me become more than I was. I felt the evolution of me, giving up the “race mentality” and instead using the Atonement for my strength. I started to understand trusting in Him, my Savior. The obstacles were and are being put there for a wise purpose, specifically selected for me. President Uchtdorf taught us that our mortal life is not a race, but rather a journey. It will have bumps, detours and some hazards, but “look for the happiness your Father in Heaven has prepared for you in every step of your journey.” (April 2013 “Your Wonderful Journey Home”) With my change in perspective, I have let go of the desire to overcome obstacles so I can get to the finish line of a beautiful, balanced life. Instead, I try to accept the experiences God gives me as gifts, customized for my specific growth. They are not in my way but are the way. God’s ways are not our ways. In the scriptures we have been warned about putting our trust in the arm of flesh. Isaiah 55: 8-9 says, “For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, saith the Lord. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts.” I am given opportunities for spiritual gifts and growth, bringing me more complete joy as I put my trust in Him. Even daily boring experiences are handpicked for our growth. It is only through the Atonement of Jesus Christ that our progression can occur for us to become at one with Him. Our joy is increased as we progress through the experiences we are given. This big physical trial I have experienced is much easier for me to share than the other intimate challenges life brings. However, being able to apply the principles of love and growth from the Atonement are the same. We are not alone, and we have a map for our path back to heaven. It is a journey rather than a race. Isaiah 41:10 “Fear thou not; for I am with thee…” - Shannon
I sat with the clip board in my hand, looking at all the empty lines. "If you are able, could you please sign up to bring something to the ward party?" announced a sister in Relief Society. What did "able" mean? Did we have the monetary means? Yes. Did I have the time? Yes again. Were we going to the ward party and going to eat the food? Yes, and yes. Why couldn't I get my hand to sign my name on that clip board? I passed it on to the sister next to me. I did not sign up, and that bothered me.
It had been a rough year, "The Trial Year" we called it in our house. My husband's job had taken a tough turn, and he had been working 18-hour days some weeks and 12-hour days other weeks. He received a time-consuming calling at Church that took him away the rest of the time. I had a sudden life-threatening health crisis that resulted in emergency surgery. We lost two babies that year, one in the first trimester and one in the second trimester. So I spent several months first being sick, and then grieving my lost babies. We were living in a small rental while we worked with builders to build a home that would fit our family. We had to move our family twice in that year. Between medical bills and building a home..oh yeah, and both cars broke down and we spent several thousand dollars to fix them, we were financially exhausted. But now...sitting in Relief Society...it was all behind us. Not just seeing a light at the end of a tunnel, we were through the tunnel, sitting on the other side. We could see the blessings through it all, and we were so grateful. We were happy my husband had a job, happy to be able to serve, happy for competent medical professionals, happy for the healthy children we had, happy for a safe home, happy for cars, and happy that our scripture study and prayers, both personal and family, were still happening. WHY CAN'T I SIGN THE CLIP BOARD?!?!?!?! I told my husband I didn't sign us up to bring a casserole. "Okay." he said. "BUT WHY?" I said. I expressed how bothered I was that I was capable and willing and I hesitated. What was stopping me? I felt like I had a trial hangover. I no longer had huge overwhelming trials, but I was still in a foggy daze. I asked him, "In the scriptures the Lord says he will make weak things strong. Why am I not strong?" This clipboard-casserole thing was starting to keep me up at night. I got to the point that I told the Lord in a prayer that I didn't care if I signed up or not, I would just bring a stupid casserole! But again, something in me made me stop. Then the teaching came. "Let ME feed you," He said. "Let ME heal you," He said. The trials were momentarily over, but the healing was just starting. When I told my husband about the quiet whispering that I had felt, he nodded his head and said, "That makes sense. When we workout, that is not the time the muscles become strong, it is only during the rest and recovery that the muscles gain strength, and then you are able to use those improved muscles." I realized I needed to rest and recover. But unlike cells working behind the scenes to rebuild stronger protein compounds, something else was going on behind the scenes. The Savior was working to heal me, humble me and "then will I make weak things become strong unto them." (Ether 12:27) I needed to let Him. We slowed down, took all unnecessary commitments out of our lives. This became a time to ponder and marvel at what He was building. We went to the party and ate the food that others had prepared, food that others had sacrificed time and money to provide. That meal meant more to me because it symbolized my letting Him heal me and feed me. It was a meal I would never forget. - Anonymous
At the ripe old age of 21 my life was going completely according to the plan I had laid out for myself while in Young Women. Graduate from high school… check. Obtain an athletic scholarship and play basketball at the college level… check. Meet my eternal companion and be sealed in the temple… check. Start a family……. This particular item would go unchecked for the next 12 years.
Countless doctor visits. Lots of testing. Several failed treatments. An aggressive amount of weight gain. They all started to add up and my hurt, anger and bitterness at how unfair my life had suddenly become consumed me. I didn’t want to talk to anyone about why I couldn’t have children. I didn’t want to be happy for all the family members who were announcing they were expecting. The pain at hearing their joyous news wasn’t something I could deal with. This was my life for years. I couldn’t work through it to see any hope. After almost six years of this pain and bitterness, a dear friend came into my life through visiting teaching. I didn’t know it at the time, but she would go on to become my best friend. Her diligent and gentle loving visits reminded me that there was hope through the pain, that I did know where to turn to have my heart healed and to find the blessings and miracles happening all around me. The Savior’s Atonement could heal my hurt. It could carry me through this burden that felt all too heavy for me to bare. Slowly, my heart started to heal as I relied on the Savior. My husband and I were able to find joy in our journey again. We were able to recognize and see all the amazing and beautiful things we were being blessed with daily. As we were able to be more in tune and were living more worthily to receive the blessings waiting for us, I remembered a promise given to me in my patriarchal blessing. I was promised that I would have children. Remembering this promise, I held onto the hope that there would come a day, in this life or the next, that I would indeed be able to be given the title of mother. I clung to that knowledge like my life depended on it. In the winter of 2014 I felt extremely prompted that it was time to get my body healthy and find a way to start our family. Not knowing how to accomplish this, I relied heavily upon the Lord to guide my path. With His guidance and the knowledge that He would carry me through whatever it was that I needed to do, I embarked on a life-changing journey. For the next 11 months I followed a strict eating plan. My body constantly got healthier and healthier. I was able to lose the 160 pounds I had gained over the years due to my health condition. This, to me, was the first of many miracles to come. We had a plan. Once I was healthy, we were going in to see a specialist and pay for whatever treatments we needed in order to have a child. The Monday before Thanksgiving of 2015 I felt prompted to take a pregnancy test. Having taken hundreds of them, to only have the results be a devastating negative, I wasn’t thrilled to take yet another one. But, I listened and took it. As I waited for the results I pondered all that I had been through during that year, and the many years previous. I had come so far. I was extremely happy with my life. I felt and knew that the Savior loved me...that I was a daughter of God. I was important and I was loved. And although my life hadn’t worked out exactly how I had planned, it was an extremely beautiful life I had been given. I glanced down at the test, expecting to have the pit of disappointment hit me as it had so many times before. But instead, a second miracle had been given to me. I was pregnant! I don’t know that I have every cried so hard and prayed with such gratitude as I did in that moment. Twelve years. Twelve years of pain and hurt and growing and learning and the trials and burdens we had been dealt. And it was all completely and totally worth it for that moment...the moment when I was given the title of mother.
As the weeks went on, we excitedly announced at Christmas, to all our family and friends, that we believed in miracles and that we had been blessed with a little one on the way. Our hearts were more full and happy then I ever remember them being. The pure joy that was felt in our home was something that I will never forget. As we approached week 14, we made an appointment to find out what the gender was of our little one. We planned a large party to reveal to family and friends what we were having. On my birthday, we went in to our appointment and were told that we were expecting a little girl. Names had already been picked. The moment it was confirmed, we knew that her name was Charlotte Joelle. We excitedly anticipated the coming weekend when we would be having our get together to reveal to friends and family what we were having.
But a trial was about to be placed before us that neither my husband or I expected. As the weekend came, my body started bleeding. The party was canceled with reassurances that I was ok, just needing some rest and to take it easy. Sunday, February 7 the bleeding became significantly worse. I was told to get to the ER as quickly as possible. As my husband and I drove the 20 minutes to the hospital, I tried my best to keep the scary thoughts away. I wanted to stay positive and not think about the worst. This was our miracle. Surely Heavenly Father wouldn’t take her away after making us wait so long and endure so much to get her here. I voiced my thoughts to my husband in the form of a simple statement – “I don’t want to lose her.” My sweet husband, whom I assumed would jump on my bandwagon of thoughts, instead humbled me and reminded me what was really important. He told me “It’s not up to us.” Such a simple statement, but it had such a profound impact on me. It completely changed the way I viewed what was happening. Yes, I knew that the Lord knew my heart and my wants. He knew that this little one was so, so precious to me and my husband. But he also knew so much more. He had a plan, and that plan was not for me to decide. The next few hours proved to be some of the most trying of our lives. Although we both prayed that she might be able to stay, our sweet Charlotte Joelle was born in the early hours of February 8, 2016 at just 15 weeks. We were given the opportunity to hold her tiny, tiny body and say our goodbyes. Our hearts were broken. The pain I was feeling was not something I felt I could endure, and yet, I immediately felt the Savior there, comforting us, mourning with us and reminding us that we were so, so loved. The healing power of the Atonement is all that got me through the next few weeks as my husband and I tried to return to everyday life. My grief would feel all consuming, and then I would feel the peace, comfort, love and knowledge that I was not alone. That this would take time, but that there was a purpose and a plan. That as hard as this was, this was not the end. That our sweet little girl was not meant to stay here long, and that she knew how loved she is. My faith in Heavenly Father and in the Savior grew more than I ever thought it could in the weeks and months following the loss of our daughter. How could it not? Heavenly Father had kept His promise to me. I did have a child. Whether I was able to raise her here or not, I had a daughter and she was sealed to me forever. Such a sweet and tender mercy to go along with this huge trial. As the months went on, my husband and I didn’t know if we would be given another opportunity to get pregnant again. The first time had been miraculous enough, that we weren’t sure we would be granted another. I constantly prayed to have my heart heal and to be able to cling to and find hope in the knowledge that Heavenly Father had a plan for us. My constant answer during those extremely hard months was the scripture found in the Psalms 46:10. “Be still, and know that I am God”. Those words gave me such comfort and peace. Comfort that even though I didn’t have the answers about what my life would hold in the future, but that God did. I didn’t need to worry, He had a plan. I just needed to have faith in Him and His plan for me. I just needed to rely on the Savior and the gift he has given me to allow me to heal and grow and re-discover the hope that I had before losing my daughter. Miracles do happen, of that I have such a testimony. I have been given too many to ever say differently. I was given the miracle of having my heart healed when I was so bitter and angry. I was given the miracle of being able to get my body healthy. I was given the miracle of getting pregnant with a daughter after being unable to for twelve years. I was given the miracle of having my heart healed yet again after losing her. And, yet another miracle has been given to me as we are currently expecting a son in early March of 2017.
What incredible things I’ve been given the opportunity to see and witness because of the trials and tribulations I have been blessed to endure. What an incredible gift that I have been able to have the Savior’s Atonement become something so real for me in helping me to heal and grow and find peace. Without the events of the last thirteen years I don’t know that I would have ever quite understood just how real and beautiful a gift the Atonement is. What an amazing and selfless thing our Savior did for us. There is always, always hope. There are always miracles and blessing waiting. And our Heavenly Father’s timing is always perfect. Trust in Him and His promises. You are so, so loved.
- Dawnielle
Some of the strongest women I've ever known are the women I've met in group therapy. Amidst the most vulnerable and painful moments of my life, I opened myself to receive the strength of these dear sisters in Christ. I didn't know how broken I was until I started to attend group. I knew I was sad. I knew I had been hurt. I knew I had hurt others. But I thought I had done a good job dealing with everything and was on a path to recovery. I would attend the temple and find peace. I prayed. I continued to go to church and read my scriptures. Yet my eyes were opened during my first meeting with these other Mormon women.
It is a hard thing to look at the truth of pain wrought by another's sins. It is a harder thing still to have to look at your own sins so nakedly. But as I sat at that table with a dozen other sisters who had the courage to admit they needed help outside themselves, I found myself a new home where I was given permission to go through my pain without being alone, without judgment and condemnation. I was surrounded by other women who could understand my pain and my sins more than anyone else because they had felt it too. When you experience such empathy it gives you a small glimpse of the Savior. A Savior who bled from every pore as He experienced those same pains brought upon by all sin. He did this for me. He did this so He could perfectly understand me and not only sympathize- Oh I'm sorry that must be hard- but empathize- I feel how hard that is for you, it's hard for me too. As these sisters wept with me and offered me chocolate, a must in such sisterly situations, I began to truly understand the depth of the Atonement. I also found on my journey to recovery, to healing, to peace, that the hardest thing for me was accepting forgiveness. I worked on forgiving those who hurt me. I worked through all the loss, fear, and heartache brought from outside myself. But I found that I didn't know how to extend the same mercy inward. There was a point where I knew I had been forgiven by my Savior. But I couldn't forgive myself. I walked around thinking, "The only reason people love me is because they don't know me. If they knew me they would not be capable of love toward me." Then by extension, if others could do nothing but condemn me, I couldn't figure out how not to condemn myself. So, though I mentally knew Christ had forgiven me, I couldn't accept His forgiveness. I disallowed myself to feel His peace. One of the most important things I had to accept about myself was that it is ok to sin. I had this lightning bolt moment when I realized that I'm supposed to sin. I am not meant to be perfect. I'm not meant to be strong enough to always get it right. If that were the case, there'd be no need for the Savior. No need for the Atonement. I watch so many people in the Church who sin and destroy their entire lives, leave their families, leave the Church, leave this world, because they cannot accept the Atonement. They cannot accept that they sinned. That they were weak, vulnerable, swayed by the world, by pressures, by expectations. I saw how I could go down that path. It was frightening. It wasn't until I accepted that my weakness, my vulnerabilities, my ability to be swayed is a part of who I am. And that's okay. I had to accept this truth: I am not okay, and that's okay. God knew. God loved us so much. And He knew we were imperfect beings. So He sent His Son. And I believe to the depths of my soul, through the harrowing experiences of pain and sin I have worked through, that "whosever believeth in Him should not perish" (John 3:15-17). When I think of perishing I think of it physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. I perish physically when I use food abusively by either over eating or not eating, knowingly hurting my body, and thinking I deserve it. I perish physically when I don't exercise my body and allow it to become weak and pained. I perish mentally when I tell myself what a failure I am. When I tell myself all anyone else sees is a failure. I perish emotionally when I avoid feeling or when I mask my feelings with anger or resentment. When I put up a wall to protect myself and then keep that wall up so I cannot heal. I perish spiritually when I stop doing things that enrich my soul. For me that's attending the temple, taking walks outside, allowing time for meditation, and scripture study. When I not only believed in the Savior but believed the Savior when He tells me that the Atonement is for me, that is when I began to heal. That is when the Atonement saved me, saved my soul. And then I was empowered. I was empowered by Him, by His spirit of forgiveness, to go out and do likewise. One of the greatest gifts of accepting the Atonement is the increase of love toward those around me. In therapy I became the strong sister to the new sisters, as those first women were to me. Outside of group I understand charity better: the pure love of Christ. When I mourn with those that mourn or comfort those that stand in need of comfort, I feel it deeper and can give more richly. There is no pride. Only humility and a deep and abiding love for my Savior, His Atonement, gratitude, and hope for the days ahead. Sara
So many questions flooded my mind. What will this mean for my family? For me? What will the rest of my life look like? What if the doctors concerns were realized and it was fatal? How could I leave my husband alone with our two babies? The questions of the unknown were overwhelming. Most days leading up to the surgery were spent trying to keep busy in effort to keep my mind off of the reality of what was happening but would usually land in a puddle of emotions. The surgery was complex and would required two doctors and over eight hours to complete. Following the surgery I spent a week in the ICU and hospital. When it was time to go home, I would have been happy to never go to a hospital for the rest of my life. But after only two days of finally being home, I was rushed back to the hospital for another emergency surgery due to complications from the first one. I was so disheartened. As my sweet husband was caring for me, our children were being passed around between family, friends, and sometimes strangers from our ward. I had not seen them for longer than an hour in the past 10 days and knew that another surgery would only prolong my time away from them. As part of my recovery I was ordered not to lift more than 5 pounds for eight weeks and to avoid bending over. So when I did see my children I was unable to pick them up and would have to rely on someone else to put them into my lap. I will forever be grateful for those who cared for my babies at a time when I could not.
think I have ever cried before and fell into a fog of despair. Up to this point I felt I had taken my trial with a faithful heart, but now I had finally broken. I started to feel sorry for myself and felt that my situation was entirely unfair. It is this moment that has taught me a number of sacred lessons about the Atonement that are ingrained in my heart, lessons that I'm sure will continue and deepen through out my life.
That feeling of life being unfair has been a lesson that I needed to understand. In Preach My Gospel we read that, “All that is unfair about life can be made right through the Atonement of Jesus Christ.” The feelings of despair and unfairness that I had lying in that hospital bed have been swallowed up in the physical, mental, and emotional healing power of the Atonement of Christ. Both of my surgeries were successful. In the last five years, the promise I received through a priesthood blessing was fulfilled and it is almost as though the surgery and tumor had never happened. Elder Dale G. Renlund said, “If life were truly fair, you and I would never be resurrected; you and I would never be able to stand clean before God. In this respect, I am grateful that life is not fair....through God’s compassion, kindness, and love, we will all receive more than we deserve, more than we can ever earn, and more than we can ever hope for. We are promised that 'God shall wipe away all tears from our eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain: for the former things are passed away.'” Life is unfair. It is unfair that I have two doctor brothers that, through their encouragement to have some mild hearing loss checked, my life was quite possibly saved. It is unfair that I lived 20 minutes from the best acoustic neuroma surgeon in the country. It is unfair that those who have suffered from the same tumor are left with facial paralysis, loss of sight, or loss of functioning limbs, and I have no apparent side effects. It is unfair that our Savior, Jesus Christ, being perfect, suffered the ultimate sacrifice. It is unfair that because of his suffering I have been healed physically, emotionally, and spiritually. It is unfair that, imperfect as I am, I have the ability to stand clean before my Father in Heaven through the Atonement of Jesus Christ. I cannot adequately express my gratitude that life is unfair. It is infinitely unfair in my favor because of a loving Father in Heaven. I testify that as we come unto Christ and utilize the Atonement, we can find the promise found in the scriptures that "God shall wipe away all the tears from our eyes" and that all will be made right.
burdens can be made light through the infinite depth of His suffering and grace. We invite you to prepare with us as we learn how to better understand and apply the strength, healing, cleansing, comfort, and joy that comes through the Atonement.
We hope that through the personal experiences and resources found on this website, we might learn and rejoice together in how to access and apply the Savior’s power in our daily lives. |
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