I have always been a daddy's girl. When my dad was in the navy and would go out to sea for months at a time. I would spend hours singing songs about how much I missed and loved my daddy. The older I got, the more I felt the desire to be by his side, helping him, letting him know how much I loved him, and making sure he never felt lonely. I didn't have a specific reason for feeling that way as a child, but as I have gotten older I have realized that some part of my young self knew that my daddy wasn't completely whole, and I wanted to try to fix that. My dad has manic depression, bipolar disorder, and anxiety. It wasn't until I was in middle school that I even realized my dad was depressed.And it wasn't until I was a sophomore in high school that I began to truly understand what that means and how difficult the challenges he faces really are. My high school years happened to be a very difficult time for my dad. He had dealt with break downs before, but this was by far the worst he had endured. The pain and struggle was obvious on his face. No only was it hard for him to just get up in the morning, but to function throughout the day, find joy, and see a purpose to his life. With manic depression and bipolar disorder, a person swings from incredibly low lows, to even higher highs. It was just as scary when he would be on a really high high, because that meant the low was not far behind, and it was going to be really bad. My two older siblings were married or at college at this time, so it was me and my two younger brothers at home. They were young enough that they were completely unaware of our dad's struggles, and my older sisters were busy and unaware of how much our dad was suffering. The burden of my dads mental illness was a lot for my mom to bear, so she would share with me just how bad things really were. I would often hide on the stairs at night and listen as my parents would talk in the kitchen. I remember one specific night listening as my dad outlined for my mom the very detailed plan he had come up with for taking his life. Hearing that shook me to the core! I loved my dad so much and couldn't imagine how he could ever want to voluntarily leave our family behind. I remember crying with my mom and struggling to understand why my dad and our family had to endure this type of pain. Fear began to consume me, and my days were filled with worry. I remember coming home from school one day to find both my parents home, when they should have been at work. I learned that my mom had been called out of work to pick up my dad, who was sitting on the curb outside his office, sobbing like a child. My heart broke for my dad and the pain he was experiencing. I wanted so badly to heal what was broken inside of him. In my desire to be there for him, and heal or fix this mental illness that was literally breaking him, I felt empathy like never before. While it was a great learning experience, it was also more than I could bear. At this time, I felt a desire more than ever before to study and understand the Atonement of Jesus Christ. I was blessed with a wonderful seminary teacher who gave me talk after talk to read and study, not knowing the challenges I was experiencing at home. The more I studied, the more I understood that I could not fix, heal, or take the pain from my dad. That was not my role. We have a Savior who has already endured all, literally feeling the exact pain and burden my dad lives with because of his mental illnesses. I also learned that just like my dad needs the Savior, I also needed His Atonement to bring me peace and healing. That was the only way I could press forward with peace, hope, and joy. I couldn't let fear and worry consume me. That is what Satan wanted. He wanted me to feel hopeless and sorrowful. My Savior was reaching out to me and calling for me to allow His Atonement to bring me peace. Music has always been a very powerful way the spirit speaks to me. On days when the fear and worry would fight to consume me again, the song "Be Still My Soul" would come to my mind. The words brought me peace in a way nothing else could. I know it was a tender mercy of the Lord that came to me. He knew through His Atoning sacrifice that it was the way to succor me and heal my heavy heart. I came to know that although these mental illnesses were not going away in this life, my dad would be made whole in the next life. I was literally enabled to press forward, trusting in God's plan, and knowing that my dad was loved and cared for by so many more than I could comprehend. My dad still struggles daily with these mental illnesses. There have been a lot of really bad days, but there have also been a lot of really good ones. I still make it a point to make sure he knows how loved and needed he is, and I am still a daddy's girl. I am so thankful for the examples of faith my parents have set for me, even in the face of this difficult trial, and I am eternally grateful for the Atoning sacrifice of my Savior, Jesus Christ and the enabling power it is in my life. |
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