I am an addict. As I’ve worked to understand the parts of my life that led to the development of my addiction, I’ve learned that it started from traumatic childhood abuse that never got professional help in order to process through it and reach a healthy outcome. I grew up with an extremely angry and emotionally and mentally abusive father. And I always felt inadequate and insecure. I was shy and desperately needed people to tell me that I was enough. That I was doing a good job. That I was loved and valued and had worth. As I grew up, I learned how to get those things in ways, I've since learned, were very unhealthy.
I am not your typical substance abuse addict. My addiction falls under the category of an Intimacy Disorder. An Intimacy Disorder is defined, in part, as "a struggle to form connections with others in healthy ways. Intimacy refers to the ability to form friendships and close personal relationships with others. Individuals dealing with intimacy disorders are unable to create and/or maintain relationships in which healthy, appropriate levels of intimacy are possible. In some cases this may manifest through a lack of openness and honesty with people the individual considers their closest relationships. In other cases, it may go to the opposite extreme and be shown through excessive and inappropriate interactions with others." I have been married for over a decade, and I love my husband. I don't want to be married to anyone but him. When we got married, many years ago, I was young and had these pictures in my head that my life was now going to be full of happiness with fun and exciting, memory making, joy filled experiences with my eternal companion. And, there would be no struggle or trial so big that it would shake our faith in each other. We would be each other’s biggest supporter. I believed that loving someone and feeling loved in return would now be a part of my daily life. Not to many years into our happy marriage, there came an enormous tragedy that shook our very souls. It sent us both spiraling into unknown territory. It brought on an enormous depression and a hopeless inability to know how to get through these new life consuming emotions. It felt like, from one day to the next, there was a complete and absolute disconnect in our relationship which left us both floundering and drowning and utterly alone. That connected, "we will help each other through everything", feeling was gone. We both felt overwhelmed and hopeless. We both felt abandoned by the other one and had absolutely no idea how to communicate that to each other. Once some of the smoke cleared we just started trying to live life again, but our marriage had now been through a torturous experience and we were truly broken. As the years went by, my husband and I started to feel like our life was "back to normal." We weren't noticing the disconnect anymore. We were having what we considered fun times together again. Life kept going, and so did we. What we didn't see was the broken, emotional mess, that we didn't process properly, was still very much a part of our lives. It was like a thick fog had surrounded us and we just got used to it. We still weren't emotionally or very romantically connected and as life got busy and stressful, I fell back into my old childhood learned behaviors and started needing and looking for something to validate me, to make me feel desired and sexy and wanted and worthy and fun and whole again. Throughout my life, I always considered myself a romantic. I have always craved love songs and romance novels. Before I got married I loved dating and I was great at flirting. I got a rush seeing men want me. Before getting married, I was unaware that my behaviors were unhealthy and could be classified as an addiction. I was able to justify what I was doing as just harmless single life fun. When I was single my addictive actions only really affected me. I assumed that once I got married, I would no longer feel the need to do those things, because I would then have a husband to love me. As every addict that has been able to stop and look at their addiction knows, and most people understand, as time goes on, and as you use your "drug of choice" to mask your pain and fill your needs, it takes more and more and more of that drug to get the same effects that just a little bit once gave you. Once I was no longer able to feel that rush of happiness from just singing along to my favorite love songs or diving into a "guy gets girl" novel or watching a romantic movie, I started needing more. I then found chat rooms and porn, and eventually online relationships with other men. I was so consumed with "feeling high" every day that I didn't even consider my husband's feelings at all. At my lowest I was unintentionally and unknowingly destroying the self esteem and self worth of the man I loved most, and since it was giving me a high when I did those things that were actually destroying him, I was under the addicts allusion that I was actually happy. One day it hit me. What the Hell was I doing?!! I was so far gone I wasn't even feeling guilty anymore. Neal A. Maxwell said, "The moment of gravest danger is when there is so little light that darkness seems normal." I went to the Bishop. I opened up my life to him and through tears I explained everything. My temple recommend was taken away and I began the sincerely dedicated and gut wrenchingly painful repentance process. My husband and I started marriage counseling. I started seeing an Addiction Recovery Therapist, and I joined a support group. There is an excruciating, searing, unbearable, soul crushing pain and Godly sorrow that comes with Addiction Recovery. I spent hours upon hours on my knees, pouring out my soul to my Heavenly Father, sobbing with shame and torturous physical pain. The withdrawals from addiction, substance abuse or otherwise, can and will leave you sick and shaking and begging for mercy. I would find myself curled in a ball on the bathroom floor, literally surrounded by demons from Hell, fighting my thoughts and my desires, fighting for my very life. The chains that Satan had around me were all too real, and they were overwhelmingly heavy. The pain was so horrific that I would pray for even a moment’s break in where I wouldn’t have to feel the anguish that racked not only my mind, but my body and soul as well. I pleaded to be forgiven, I begged to be made whole again, to be worthy of the blessings of the temple again. I begged to be rid of the cravings and desires of my addiction. I begged God to help me save my life and save my marriage. Along with the things I was learning in my group and personal therapy sessions, I also dove into the scriptures and teachings of the prophets to guide me through my repentance and recovery process. And, through months and months of tears and sorrow and desperate prayers, I began to heal. I felt the pain lift and the withdrawals subside. I felt the desires of my heart change. I felt my body and my soul become stronger and my testimony build. I felt the darkness lift and the light of Christ enter my life again. I felt the angels of heaven surround me and fight off my demons with me. I found other women who had been through similar experiences and understood me. I felt supported and loved and empowered. I love the scripture found in D&C 121: 7-9 "My son (and daughter), peace be unto thy soul; thine adversity and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment; And then, if thou endure it well, God shall exalt thee on high; thou shalt triumph over all thy foes. Thy friends do stand by thee, and they shall hail thee again with warm hearts and friendly hands." I received my temple recommend again and I knew that through Christ's atonement, I had been forgiven. I also gained a testimony of the power of prayer, and I knew that God heard and would answer my prayers. I found strength in uplifting quotes and daily affirmations that helped me stay focused on my goals. These are some of my favorites. There are certain paths we can not take. I know because I came from there. - Ellie Wiesel At any given moment you have the power to say 'this is not how my story is going to end." "Recovery didn't open the gates of Heaven and let me in. Recovery opened the gates of Hell, and let me out." Marvin J. Ashton said, "If we could look into each other's hearts and understand the unique challenges each of us faces, I think we would treat each other much more gently, with more love, patience, tolerance and care." I have been in therapy for years and I now consider myself in strong recovery. But just this last weekend I experienced something that triggered me and pulled my addiction to the front of my mind again making me very aware of the daily choices I make to stay sober. One of the most amazing things I’ve learned about myself is that I’m not worthless – there’s something important inside of me. I’ve been like this my whole life, but just called it rebellion, then just dating experiences, then I just felt bad about the thoughts I had, like I was a bad person for thinking them. Once I heard there was a title to my experiences and a category that I actually fit in and symptoms that I actually had, it made me feel like I was not a bad or rebellious person with twisted sexual thoughts. I finally knew there was something I could work on to be healthier and happier. And that I could finally learn what healthy connections feel like and how to work on having them. I finally had some value and I wasn’t just a twisted mess of impure thoughts and actions.You always hear that the boys/men are the addicts. I was just an impure pervert for wanting and thinking what I did. Now I’m not. I’m an addict. And, I’m working hard to be healthier. And that feels important to me. “You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, ‘I lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.” Eleanor Roosevelt My life of course isn’t perfect. My husband and I still have fights and disagreements. I still feel the need to make a conscious effort to maintain the connections I’ve built with others and to maintain the recovery I’ve worked so hard for. But I never would have imagined that the level of healing I’ve experienced would have been possible for me. “One of God’s greatest gifts to us is the joy of trying again, for no failure ever need be final.” Thomas S. Monson I know that Heavenly Father loves me. I know he loves each of you. I am so grateful for the atonement. And the sacrifice that Christ made so that we can be healed, so that when we make mistakes we can try again. No matter how far we feel we’ve fallen, there is hope and help. It is possible to heal and feel peace and joy again. - Anonymous |
archives
All
|